Have you ever been faced with something that tested your faith in what God can do?
Have you listened to others speak with such faith and belief that you feel disheartened because you just aren't there... you just can't see it?
That's where I was last Sunday. I was in pain, I was under the impression I could possibly have another surgery within the month, I was feeling really bad about myself, and I was doubting my dream.
Then my church family embraced me at the altar. I was overwhelmed with emotion and couldn't speak. I cried hard and loud. I trembled. My daddy held me. He tried to pray but he, too, was overcome with tears. A dear friend interceded with prayer... and she prayed for healing and a miracle.
I struggled to believe it would happen because all I could feel was the throbbing pain in my abdomen. I started remembering the things I've read about endometriosis and just didn't see it getting better fast. It wasn't that I didn't believe God was capable of working a miracle, I just doubted that He would. I trusted Him. I really thought I would have to endure another month or two of recovery and assumed it would be so I could use my story to help others.... and I was okay with that. I'd come to accept it.
I left the sanctuary feeling loved, supported, and prayed up. It helped me face the work week head-on. I had an ultrasound and visited a GI specialist to try and get to the bottom of the continuing pain. The GI specialist agreed with me and felt it wasn't GI related. He still wanted to do a scope to be sure. I felt it was a waste of money and time, not to mention anesthesia. The results came back for the ultrasound a few days later. They saw a female issue (that I'll keep to myself for now). The nurse told me he hadn't seen it during surgery or he would've taken care of it at that time. My doctor originally described this issue to me on my first visit with him... an issue that could be the cause of my multiple miscarriages. A issue that, if not fixed, could prevent me from ever being able to carry full term.
I wanted that fixed.
So Friday I called his office and suggested having another surgery to take care of this issue since I was still recovering and not 100%. And during the second surgery he could look for more endometriosis and adhesions. If they didn't find either, great. We made sure. If they did, get it out of there! Then I could heal and move forward.
When the nurse called back later that day, she said my doctor told her he did, in fact, see the issue and fixed it during surgery. I was really confused and even started doubting what I'd heard the day before. I couldn't understand how he could have fixed it yet it was seen on the ultrasound afterwards. It was so weird. But for some reason I accepted it and hung up.
The next morning, I felt different. I wasn't in awful pain like "normal". We spent the day walking around, picking apples and pumpkins, and cooking food. We did a lot more than I had since surgery. Something had changed in me.
I felt different.
I felt more like myself.
I knew that God had worked a miracle.
I started to see that God allowed this to happen to help me become more dependent on Him. I was willing to endure another surgery and long recovery process if it helped someone else get through their situation or if it helped me to see my dream come true. The beautiful thing is that I can use what I've already been through to help others! There are so many things I've learned through this trial. My eyes have been opened in new ways.
See, I was at the point of wanting to bury my dream and move on with life. I told God I would be fine if my dream didn't come true. I just wanted to stop wondering if it would or could ever happen. I wanted to hear a definitive "Yes" or "No". I just wanted to stop feeling this hurt in my heart that words cannot express. I wanted to feel like celebrating when the dream happened those around me. I just didn't want to hurt anymore.
But that's what I want right now; a quick fix to take away the pain I feel. Anything to take away the heartache. But we're working with God's timing, not Chrissy's. And He knows what's in store for me.
And I trust Him.
Every day I trust Him more. Every day I continue to put my hope in what He knows lies ahead for me. Every day I count the blessings in my life and try not to waste energy wishing for things that don't exist. That would only steal my joy. I want to live a life that is happy and full of laughter, inspiration, encouragement, and worship! I want to be an overcomer!
"Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart." Psalm 27:14